trapped

it's sad when facebook becomes a crucial source for information. unwilling to believe my mother's dire warnings of a snow storm, rather than checking weather.com, I log on to facebook, hoping that a multitude of status updates will finally provide me with enough evidence to cancel my evening plans.

reflecting on the year, started reading through all my old blog posts from 2011 in hopes of understanding a bit more of how far I've come, or what've I been through or learned etc...but got exceptionally bored 2 months in and stopped.

thinking about love. about its "power to alter and define our lives." about the way it can ruin an evening with one misplaced word. or how a snowstorm can stand in the way of my happiness.

pathetic. real.

my favorite worst, pretending it's too perfect to know otherwise.

ferocious twistings of my innermost secrets

those giant stones watch me

watch you

watch our mysteries untangle into the strangest of rhymes

and I am heartbroken with the future

wishing I would have chosen to flee this monstrous institution

to destroy the infamous "bubble"

to leap out of my skin and into the next existence, to halt my own misgivings and reach into hell for salvation

to have found my feet where no others have wandered

mourning the courage I lost when I chose to stay, the passion I've found in murky expressions

the simultaneous burning to be more than this and to become this.

too many words, too much angst and I can't help but love the very things that bind me, that trap me in a giant vault of everything I swore I cannot be. and my own desperate pleas for help and redemption are answered by tears of overwhelming love for all of this. my tears. my own goddamn tears building a translucent wall around my terror. this is not the end, it is all of it: the beginning, the middle, the end and every pitstop. it is all here.

and I am suffocating.

smothered by my uncontrollable love for my captors.